5 LANGUAGES OF LOVE
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends
John 3:16a – “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son.”
1 Corinthians 13:13 – “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
With almost 40 years of marriage and counselling couples over the years, I have realized there are about 5 basic love languages, in other words, each of us have a love language that our spouse must know and speak if we are to feel emotionally loved and fulfilled.
These words are:
APPRECIATION
GIVING HELPING HANDS
RECEIVING GIFTS
QUALITY TIME
PHYSICAL TOUCH
This statement has been confirmed by renowned marriage counsellor “GARY CHAPMAN”. He categorized these 5 languages of love as:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch
I totally agree with Gary from the experience I have gathered from family members and couples that I have counselled over the years, this knowledge has really helped.
APPRECIATION/COMMENDATION
If your spouse’s love language is appreciation/commendation, you better commend him/her at all times for his/her efforts.
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that BUILD UP and make your spouse feel appreciated and loved. Solomon in proverbs 12:25 said ‘’an anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up.” Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other.
Verbal Compliments Or Words Of Appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple straight forward statements like: you look smart in that suit; this meal is delicious thank you.
The Word Encourage means ‘’to inspire courage’’. Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse, only then can we give encouragement.
For example; statements like “that’s one of the things I like about you” “when you set your mind to do something, you do it right” “good job” such words will give your spouse the courage needed to achieve success. Women are generally endowed with multitasks capabilities.
For e.g. A working spouse, she plans accurately her time, supervises her household chores, on getting back does some of the chores herself, can cook variety of food simultaneously without any of them burning while taking official conference call.
After each meal, words like “what a delicious meal, I love you darling you are my Besto”, thank you darling/sweetheart and thank you mum/dad, love you mum, you are the best mum/dad, must always be said.
The same thing for the men, if your husband’s language of love is appreciation, words of appreciation must never depart from the mouth of the wife and children. For every effort made by him, from giving housekeeping allowance, to school fees, to changing of a burnt bulb etc.as long as he hears the words of appreciation from his wife and children, the man feels loved and ready to do more for the family.
But for that spouse (man or wife) whose language of love is not words of appreciation, no matter the number of times, you say thank you or I appreciate you, he/she doesn’t feel loved or appreciated.
GIVING HELPING HANDS
In old parlance, “Actions speak louder than words”. What will keep your spouse happy and emotionally stable is giving her a helping hand as often as your time permits. For e.g. An unhappy wife complained to a marriage counsellor “every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me.
He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I’m sick of hearing ‘I love you’. If he loves me, he would do something to help me.” For this particular marriage not to hit the rocks, her husband must know the wife’s love language as “Giving helping hands”
RECEIVING GIFTS
Although, giving and receiving gifts is one significant way of showing affection but it does not need to break the bank, just something simple. In every society through human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love.
Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her. Proverbs 18:16 – “A man’s gift makes room for him.”
What many people do not understand is that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It’s the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. If you’re married to someone whose primary love language is gift giving,
you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and on occasion days. Little gifts mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.
QUALITY TIME
If your spouse love language is quality time, giving him or her undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love.
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Two people sitting in the same room are in close proximity but they are not necessary together. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. Like when a man is watching sports on television while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time.
Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes, but giving our full attention to the other person for 10 -20 mins or as the situation demands. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness.
For example a husband and wife playing tennis together or going for a walk together in the evening, if it is genuine quality time, will focus on the fact that they are spending time together. What happens on the emotional level is what matters.
Effective communication is quite different from the first love language. While words of affirmation focuses on what is being said, whereas effective communication focuses on what we are hearing. It requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation.
When a wife says I wish my husband would talk, I never know what he’s thinking or feeling, she is pleading for intimacy. She wants to feel close to her husband, who is not ready to communicate.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. That’s why we pick up babies and touch them tenderly. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or she feels loved by physical touch.
In marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate’s shoulder as you walk by and holding hands while you’re walking, praying and embracing. If physical touch is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out.
I will like to implore everyone to find out their love languages by visiting http://www.5lovelanguages.com
I pray that this knowledge will help strengthen our marriages and relationships. Amen!
Thank You Jesus.
Ephesians_5-2-2: And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling savour
Ephesians_5-25: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it
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